i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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