I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
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