i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
The best revenge is premature balding
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
