ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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