There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
