If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
