mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
