hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
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