i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
