and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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