well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
