And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize