I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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