Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Randomize
