the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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