Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
