does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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