you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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