If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
