i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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