I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Randomize
