Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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