You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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