I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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