he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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