don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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