I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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