Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
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