my phone needs a breathalizer
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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