last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
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