She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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