In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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