I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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