Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
