It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
