Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
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