is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Randomize
