I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
