I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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