theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
