remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
