we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I FOUND THE LEGS
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