We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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