I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I wish there were birth control emojis
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
