i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
