i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
