he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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