Are we in a gay sports bar?
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
