You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
