lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize