do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
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