i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
