I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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