please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
