Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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