my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
